AOCM

Protecting your Family

Mrs Heather Tinker is married to Melvin, a Vicar in Hull.

It is now 26 years since my husband Melvin went to theological college to train for ministry. At that time we’d been married 3 years and had an 18 month old son. Since then, we’ve had 2 more sons and served in 5 very different places. We’ve had good times and hard times, but it is a privilege to be in Christian ministry. Sometimes we’ve felt like giving up, but we thank God that he gives us the strength to keep going.

I have set out some thoughts based on my own experience with my family, which I hope you will find helpful as you begin this exciting new phase in you life.

In it together

Melvin and I feel very strongly that we are in ministry together. The job is also a way of life and so husband and wife must be united in it. If they are not then either the marriage or the ministry will suffer. Discord could have practical or spiritual effects. Running a parish is demanding of both emotion and time and an unsympathetic, unhelpful spouse at home would cause a great deal of stress and impact negatively on ministry. Ministers need to remember that they are pastorally responsible for their families as well as their parishioners. Husbands and wives are closely bound together, and if one falls away spiritually then there is a danger that the other may be dragged down too. The minister’s spouse can be a great help or an awful burden, so take care of each other.

Who cares for the Family?

In families blessed with children thought will need to be given to who will take responsibility for safeguarding their formative years. I believe that children flourish best if their lives are stable and secure. Ministerial demands can be unpredictable and I know both Melvin and our boys have benefited by me giving them priority. This has meant that I haven’t sought outside employment, but have been there as an anchor to sustain family life whatever else has been happening. Melvin has not had to worry about running the home - shopping, cooking, washing etc.- and the boys’ lives have carried on smoothly, whatever has been happening in the parish.

A minister’s stipend is not huge, but with careful budgeting, simple living and God’s amazing provision, we have managed to get by on it. Church of England clergy have access to some generous charities, which diocese will tell you about. Living on less can be a powerful witness in our materialistic society and gives so many gospel opportunities.

I do not regret one minute of my years at home. I think that bringing up the next generation is one of the most important jobs in life and I have found plenty of fulfilling things to do in the church and community. I have been fully involved in Melvin’s ministry and thank God for the great opportunities I have had to serve him because of my role as minister’s wife.

The way appointments work, the minister’s family finds themselves moving around quite a lot. It could therefore be difficult for both husband and wife to keep their careers going. My freedom from this burden has enabled us to move easily and for me to work on helping the family settle in new situations. However difficult the move seems to be, don’t forget that God will have taken the family into account in his leading to the next place. Romans 8:18, ‘And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose’. God will use the experience to mould you all into the people he wants you to be.

Nurturing your relationship

We all know that good relationships need working at. A married minister has several to think about. I have heard of a useful maxim to help decide priorities: ‘Master, Mate, Mission’, in that order. Your ministry is important and, of course, that is the job you are paid to do, but your relationship with God and your family life are the base blocks from which you reach out to others. Therefore we need to think how our use of time and energy impacts on these.

Relationships need time, so just as we spend time with God we must spend time with each other. I think that we need to make sure this happens and not just hope it does. Husband and wife will need to sit down and work out ‘together-times’. It is not reasonable for ministers to work all their waking hours. No-one else does and it is not sustainable long-term. Here are some solutions we have found. When the children were young, Melvin used to take 3 hours off between 4 and 7 p.m. This is a difficult time in families as children are tired and hungry, so it helped me and it gave him some good time with the boys. Then he went off to his evening meetings. We have also tried to be very strict with our day off. This has been good for our relationship and also for Melvin’s sanity. God made us to have one day off in seven. Our ‘Sabbath’ is Friday and needs careful protection. We have found from bitter experience that it is necessary. It may have to be two half days, but this is never as good as a whole day off. I think that spouses have an important role in keeping the minister out of the study and away from the phone in order to recharge their batteries to be more effective the rest of the week. Having work so much tied up with home you will be best to go out to achieve proper relaxation. My not having employment outside the home has helped me to be flexible regarding what time we can have together, and also we’ve found lunchtimes are a good time to talk.

Vicarage Kids

People say that clergy children have a high risk of not carrying on in the faith of their parents or rebelling against it. Of course, ultimately our children are individuals, accountable to God for their own response, but our best way of bringing them up, surely, is to follow the word of God. In Ephesians 6:4, God teaches us, ‘Fathers (and mothers), do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord’. In Deuteronomy 6:4-7, he says; ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.’

We must live our Christianity: we can let our children share in what God is doing in our lives; we can share with them when God has wonderfully answered our prayers. According to their maturity, we can pray through matters of everyday life and have family prayer times about big decisions.

Our children know us through and through. Studies have shown that the main reason young people give for not carrying on in the faith they were brought up in is hypocrisy. Our sons and daughters live with us for at least 18 years. They see how we are in church and then how we are at home with them. They notice if we sanction little lies, ignore the laws of the road, insult members of the congregation behind their backs, or don’t apply the Word we teach in church to our own lives.

Our sons have had different perspectives on the advantages of vicarage life. One said it was good because you get a big garden, which is good for playing football. Another said it was easier being the vicar’s son at school, because other children expected you to be religious. No doubt there are disadvantages in being brought up under the gaze of the parish, but we can help our children be positive.

There is much more that I could say, but space doesn’t allow. Just keep thinking, following God’s advice in the Bible, reading, talking with others in ministry and remember you are ordinary human beings with needs too. None of us is indispensable. God is quite able to use someone else to do that ‘vital’ task that would seriously interfere with your family life. Your family is important to God too and he has placed you in a unique position within it to nurture it, so don’t forget that responsibility along with all your others.
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For a deeper discussion of the issues, see ‘Who’d be a Minister’s Wife?’ by Heather Tinker (Christian Focus).